We Not Only Live In A Cage, We Built The Cage, And Live In A Corner Of It

Sitting against the headboard on her bed, she stared at the blank paper leaning against her bent legs, and still she stared. She lifted her pencil to write a sentence, but when she was about to write it down, she paused. It wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t good at all.

She sighed and lifted her head and stared at the ceiling, as if she could find whatever inspiration she wanted written on it.

After not finding anything embedded in the ceiling she eyed the piece of paper and started drawing a perfect square in its corner.

As she finished coloring the insides of the square, a flicker of light shines in the corner of her mind. Finally she has found something she could work on! She starts concentrating on that light, willing it to grow stronger. A smile appears on her face as she holds the pencil firmly and starts creating a person as well a family.

She keeps on writing, keeps on creating memories and everything else. She has created the perfect life. The perfect world, where it only exists in the readers mind, where he can only see it behind his eyes.

She stops writing and lifts her hand to re-read her newest creation. And she decides she likes it. She closes her notebook and goes to the kitchen to have a snack. She always gets hungry after writing.


After writing what you just read. I stood and wondered if I was just a character in someone else’s story; if I’m just a bunch of words that’s formed this person that’s writing this post. I had just created a person with ambitions and dreams, who lives in a world that I had also created with these words and I can’t help but wonder if I’m the same thing. Have you ever wondered about that?

As I sit here and ponder some more I start to hear my mother telling me to stop living in my own world and start living in the real world.

As I walk to the door and look back. I can’t see the words that are on the computer screen, but I can easily see the perfect world that's in it, and I can’t help but wish to live in that world.

Brothers On A Hotel Bed

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
These wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below
who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside
And I have learned
That even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
'Cause now we say goodnight
From our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed [x4]

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be

Sunrise

the same time last year, we were here. the same place, the same position, same time.

you were sleeping over again. and we were up all night. and we had a craving for hot chocolate and we took it to the roof to drink it in the fresh air.

we get to the roof and sit on those things that look like boulders but really aren't. we wondered what their purpose was when we sat on them. but we didn't dwell on it. we sat Indian style with our backs against the wall.

we sat there for a while, not saying anything, not needing to say anything. just staring at the sky and drinking our hot chocolate. all of a sudden you asked me where i saw myself in ten years. i told you i would see myself as i was that day. confused. you laughed and told me to be serious. i looked at the sky. the sun was rising. and it was spectacular. i tried to change the subject by telling you to see how beautiful the sky was, but you wouldn't have any of it. you kept on persisting. and i told you i was serious. i was confused and i thought i'd always be confused.

i asked you where you saw yourself. and you started to tell me all of your crazy hopes and dreams. you were always very animated, always moving.
you kept telling me about your hopes for the next ten years, and i couldn't help but smile. you were so hopeful and optimistic. we were the exact opposites of each other.

the whole time after that we just stared and watched the sunrise. we stayed that way for a long time, only commenting about things that were so insignificant that i forgot what they were, but seem so important to me right now that i would do anything just to remember.

a couple of minutes later you decided that you were tired and ready for bed. i told you i'd follow you in a couple of minutes. that was around 6:45 -ish and the sun was high in the sky. i rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes as i took a deep breath. a smile was on my face when i opened my eyes. it was going to be a beautiful day. i took my empty mug and went downstairs.

now, i sit here alone. the same place, the same position, same time. with my mug of hot chocolate that's gone cold. i look at the clouds and wonder if you ever think of me. but i'm not an optimist.

I Had Another Dream

I had another dream the other night. It wasn't a good dream. And you were in it. I didn't want you in my dream. I felt something. Like something bad is going to happen. And I didn't want anything to happen to you.

I tried to get you to leave. I tried to keep you away. To keep you safe, but you wouldn't leave. I wanted you to leave. I told you that I had a feeling, and that I didn't like it, that I didn't want you to be here when it happens. You told me it was all in my head. But the feeling was only getting stronger. I didn't like it. And I wanted to wake up. You said it would be okay. You said everything would be fine. I tried to believe you. I wanted to believe you so bad.

All this happened in the car on our way. I kept expecting something to happen. Any second and it would. But it never did. The feeling seemed to fade away. I was glad it was fading.

The car kept moving, and we kept laughing. I never wanted this feeling to end. This happiness. this content. I wanted it to go on forever.

I look at my right and I see the car coming towards us. It was getting closer. The car wasn't supposed to be there. I opened my mouth to tell you that. But I never got the chance to say it.

I won't be cliché and say that I saw my life flash through my eyes. And the only white light I saw was the headlight from the car. It was very strong. I had to close my eyes because of it.

I woke up that day with this urge to see you. And when I went to your room I couldn't find you. I wanted to tell you about the dream. I wanted to know what it meant. Most of all I wanted to see you and make sure you were safe.

I was getting really worried until you called. You told me you were hungry, and I told you I wanted to talk to you about something. You said you were in the mood for the place we were going to in my dream. I told you we’d see when you get here.

I don't know how you convinced me to go there. But we did. And on the way there, I had the same feeling I had then. And I became quiet. You said something about that being weird since I can't keep my mouth shut for two minutes. And I didn't say anything. That’s when I think you became really worried.

We got to the place where it happened. I look at my right expecting to see the car coming towards me. But it never came.

I laughed and told you about the dream. And you laughed at my paranoia. I told you I have really weird dreams, and you couldn't help but agree. We kept laughing about it all day.

You told me it would be okay. You said everything would be fine. I tried to believe you. And I did, I still do.

We See Things Not As They Are, But As We Are

I'm sorry that I'm not the person you wanted me to be, I'm sorry that I'll never be that person.
I'm just not strong enough, or smart enough to be like you. I'm sorry. I tried. I really did.. even after all the advice and directions you gave me, I don't know what to do.

I can't be like you, I don't know how to be like you. I'm not like you. I'm not as confident as you are, I'm not wise as you are. I'm not together as you are.

I tried. I really did. And I won't stop trying.. it's just that my trying isn't good enough. It's never good enough, it will never be good enough.. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be this insecure. I can't help it. It's the truth. I'm no longer in denial.

I've tried to be the best I can be. I've tried to make you proud of me. I'm not you, I'm not her, I'm not them. I'm just me. And I don't know if I should be sorry because of it. But I am. I don't know why. I just am.

I'm trying to do everything you want without losing myself, and I already feel like a stranger to myself. You said everything will be ok. Easier said than done. I've already lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I can't be you. I just.....can't.

Please don't stop loving me because of it. Please

What Keeps Us Human

what makes humans so different from the other species in the world?
is it the fact that we're able to think? or is it that we can make change from the way we think? but is change the result of just our thinking?

humans are not only different from other species, but they are different from each other. each human is unique in it's own way. from it's personality, to it's way of handling pressure, to all kinds of things that makes humans so different.

what makes us all human? is it that we get emotional with certain things? or that we are able to do the impossible? or the fact that we strive for perfection, even though we know that nothing is perfect? we're not perfect; it doesn't even exist, but we keep on working to achieve it. we're hopeful that we will find it in a tiny particle of our being, hidden just beneath the surface.

we never give up. we keep striving for perfection. some even die looking for it. and in the end we're no different than any other creature in the planet. we're all just a grain of sand.

I Think I'm Going To Delete This Blog Because Of This..

so a few days or so ago i was walking in the halls of my school (ga99a) where i see my principal coming in the opposite direction. i thought ' shit busted!'

now the principal is a great friend of my mothers, so she keeps an eye on me which sucks. moving on.

she stops me and asks how i am. blah blah blah. THEN! THEN!! she says the worst sentence in the english vocabulary. she said
"nice blog btw.."

!!!!!!! how! how does she know??

alright my dear reader.. say it with me.. FUCK!!!

One Meets His Destiny Often On The Road He Takes To Avoid It

The day was going well so far. We still didn’t find what we were looking for. We didn’t know what we’re actually looking for. But we wanted something for the party. We kept shopping, going from one shop into the other for a while. We had found some ‘potential’ things to wear. But we wanted something perfect for all of us.

Shopping wasn’t something I really enjoyed, but I was enjoying the company, we would make some remarks on some particular things that we felt people had the right not to see on display let alone on people..

We were getting out of a shop that we had just entered less than five minutes ago when:
*beep beep beep*

I thought to myself... this couldn’t be happening... I turn and see the sales man waving his hands and telling me not to worry about it. I thank him and catch up with them. They’re trying not to laugh. But it was a losing battle as they tried not to make eye contact with each other or with me.

“Alright let’s just keep going”
“I thought you threw away those jeans?” she asks me, with a huge grin.
“I did. This sucks man...” I say as we make our way to the next store. we pass some guys waiting outside for some girls. One guy says something about us that we didn’t pay attention to or hear, it’s nothing new to us.

As we enter it beeps again, and I turn to the security guard to see his reaction. I see him looking at me. Confused, not knowing what to do. But he kept quite. I hear them giggle and go check out some stuff. I give up and stand near the security guard so he can see that I’m not doing anything. Because I was positive when we leave I would beep. And I didn’t want to waste anybody’s time.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand with the feeling that I was being watched. I turn and I see the security guard looking at my body with a look I didn’t like. I look down and make sure that everything is the way it should be. Nothing showing and nothing is out of place. I look at him again and the look he gave me made me uncomfortable beyond belief. He was undressing me with his eyes. I didn’t like it. It was scaring me. And I wanted to leave. Desperately.

Five minutes later they come to me and say that they’re ready to leave and have some dinner. We pass the steal detector-thingy, and naturally. It beeps. I kept moving as if nothing happened. But he stops me. He asks if he can see my bag.

“Excuse me?”
“I need to check your bag,” he says while holding out his hand for it.

I hand him my bag still not sure what was going on, but if I didn’t cooperate that would mean I was hiding something, which I wasn’t. So I gave it to him. Still trying to figure out what was happening. I still don’t know.

He gives my bag back to me and says the most shocking words: “turn around and spread your arms and legs please,” he says coming closer to me.

“Wha…” he wouldn’t let me finish the sentence. He turned me around and spread my arms and legs and started patting my backside, my legs, thighs, hips, and waist. Everything. His hands were lingering everywhere and everybody knew it. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stared. The guys that were waiting, their eyes almost fell out of their sockets. Everything started to move in slow motion.

His hands began to go up my leg. I opened my mouth to say something I can’t remember even if you gave me a million k.d. But he shut me up immediately. His hands were going further up until they went to my inner thigh. I closed my eyes, not able to take it anymore. A single tear fell from my eyes when he spread my legs more roughly.
I couldn’t believe it. This was actually happening and in public and I’m just standing there. Frozen. I knew what to do if this ever happened. But for the death of me I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t hear or see anything. And I couldn’t stop it.
I didn’t know what was wrong. Why didn’t I move? Why didn’t I hit him? Why didn’t I defend myself?

Tears are still falling when he finished. He thanks me for “my cooperation” and turns back and goes to his place. I turn and walk while they’re walking behind me. One of them, I didn’t know who had my bag in her hand. I hadn’t noticed when my bag fell from my hand. I didn’t notice anything other than what was happening during those minutes. I hadn’t noticed when he started to complement my legs -saying they were beautifully shaped- when he was doing what he was doing. I hadn’t noticed the people asking themselves what was going on. I hadn’t noticed the guys trying to stop the man from what was doing to me. I had only felt my innocence leaving me.

I stop walking. I look around myself and I don’t know where I am. I have no idea why I’m even here. Why I even ran. Why I needed to escape from him.

“Sarah..” they both try to grab my attention

I wake up from my dream with tears in my eyes. And I keep crying for a long time. This was the first time I cried in three years. And I kept crying until there were no more tears. And then I cried some more. It was a dream. It was all a dream. But it felt so real that I couldn’t help but cry.

After I finished crying I lay on my bed thinking about the dream, and tried to find out what it meant. Then all of a sudden my phone rings. I look to see who it is and it’s her. I pick up the phone.

“Wanna go shopping?”

It *IS* A Small World

today i just realized that my cousin is a very well liked blogger. i've always read his blog but never really said anything. and today i found out something about that particular blogger and it hit me hard that it's actually my cousin. i never knew he felt what he's feeling. and when i see him next week i will not tell him what i just found out. because it is his private blog and it's not my place to tell him that i know. truth be told, i won't say i understand. i don't think i ever will, and i don't think i really want to.

this is his own way to express the way he feels and i won't stand in his way. i won't comment on his blog, and i'm positive he will never comment on mine or even visit it. and i don't really care.

even after reading his blog he is still a mystery to me, he always was and always will be to me. i don't mind.

my sister's friend is also a blogger and the way i found out is really funny. and she knows i blog too, but she doesn't know it's actually me. she actually commented on my blog once and when i saw her the next day it was like... i don't know.

i always check out their blogs but i will never ever comment or say something.

and having the knowledge that they may never read this, is actually fine. i just wanted to write this because they might read this. and if they figure out who i am (which i doubt) then maybe we'll see what happens.

if they read this.. all i have to say is:
your secret's safe with me :P

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so surreal...

i can't believe this is happening.. this is so real... i've never thought this would happen to someone so dear to me..

i'm writing down everything i feel.. no back space i promised that i would write eveything that my fingers type..

i scared..i'm confused.. i'm in denial... i'm frustrated...i'm worried...i'm numb...i'm angry at something i don't even know.

i want to cry...i want to hit something that doesn't exist.. i feel so helpless...i feel so useless.. i want to do something that would make you better.. but there's nothing i can do.. i'm so confused.. this is so surreal.. this can't be happening.... why is this happening? why now? why does this have to happen to someone? why is this happening to you???

i'm so scared.. i'm so lost.. i want to let out my frustration but i don't know HOW!

i just realized how real this is... i've always lived in this bubble where nothing serious would ever happen.. and yet it is happening.. and i don't know what to do..

i want to make you feel better.. but i can't.. everything seems to be happeing in slow motion.. it's not even happening to me and i'm already all over the place... i'm so scared...

this is unbelievable.. i want to cry so bad..but i can't.. i don't know why...i have to be strong..can i for your sake?

eveything is falling apart... it's already happening...

i love you.. you're like my second mother.. please get well..

...i'll pray for you...

And I give it all away

Just to have somewhere

To go to

Give it all away

To have someone

To come home to

How It Goes...

Everything can change at a moment's time. One minute you finally adjust to your new life style, and then the other your world falls apart in front of your eyes. One day you're laughing all happy and warm. Then the other you're in your room crying feeling cold, lost and lonely.

Everybody leaves one way or another. Loved ones turn into strangers. You become a stranger to yourself. You don't even know who you are, where you're from. You see everything in a new light. You feel like you're in a play and you don't know your lines, or you memorized someone else's. Everything seems so robotic. You start thinking about things you never thought you'd think about. You start to feel things you never thought you'd feel. Things that mattered to you in the past seem so pointless. Things that used to make you happy now make you miserable beyond belief.

You start to lose hope. You start to learn. You forget how to smile. You forget the sound of your laughter. You stop planning for the future. You start to feel cold all the time. You stop sleeping, in fear that you might see it happen again in your dreams. You stop staying still, so that you wouldn't think about it, cause if you were busy doing something else. It would be better than sitting down and thinking about it constantly. You'd stop talking about how you feel, scared that if you do you'd burst into tears again. You'd try not to cry, because every time you do it seems that your tears would never stop.

Next thing you know you forget how you were before it all happened. You forget how your life used to be. And when you do remember it all seems naïve – childish, or pointless. You start to have responsibilities, obligations. You'd grow up without even noticing it.

Time keeps ticking, and the world keeps on moving, people start to move on and forget and start living they're lives again. And you're still in that place where you think that your life is a play and you're doing it all wrong.

In one moment your life falls apart and you're left with the pieces all around you, with everybody leaving you to deal with it, expecting you to put it back together on your own and forget.

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

a sad day for kuwait

.انا لله و انا اليه راجعون

on january 15th the shiekh of kuwait, ameer jaber al ahmed al sobah passed away
at the age of 79.

:'( ...الله يرحمك بابا جابر