getting it out of my system

here i am again writing something that i've suppressed for a while... i can't let out my hurt feelings, cause then i'll hurt some one else's feelings, and i can't do that, then i'll feel guilty, and feel bad, and the only way to not hurt someones feelings is by not saying anything about it.
so here i am leting it all out in secret.
i've heard that suppressing your feelings is bad for you, but if i suppress it nobody will get hurt, and nobody will know that i'm the one who's hurting in the first place. they don't need to know that. i don't want them to know that i'm feeling this , cause then they won't know anything about me except what i let them see...
is that wrong to not let them see who you truly are? or is it okay that i'm keeping my feelings inside that no one would know how i truly feel?
i am sitting here thinking of what i should do. and i am so confused that it hurts my head.
this is so pathetic of me.. to feel this, but i'm only doing this because i don't want to seem weak.
just tell me if this is wrong.
so my last question is:
do i have a right to feel this way?

chrismas on a rainy day

i thought that if it was chrismas nothing would make it more perfect than snow, but here in Kuwait we don't get snow, all we get is rain, dust and fog, plus all the heat.
i have never seen so much rain in one day. my friend says that it's gonna keep raining for 24 hours!. and it's been raining since yesterday and it's gonna keep raining till tomorrow.
talk about rainy days..
this is a new thing for me to see rain for 48 hours straight which is why i am so happy but at the sametime bumbed..

my most recent thoughts

these past few days have been quite boring and a little quite...

and i was thinking how typical my days are and that i've been doing the same thing over and over.

i get up for school. go to school. finish school and wait for my brother to come and pick me up. my brother picks me up.go home.spend a few minutes with my mom. go up to my room and surf the net for 3-4 hours. have a little snack. watch TV for a while and by the time i finish watching TV my sister would've finished work and was on her way.

and then i would hang out with her until 9:30. then listen to some music on my iPOD for half an hour then i would fall asleep.

and that is what i do on my week days.

how lifeless could my life be?

that's why i'm makig some changes.

but i'll still surf the net for 3-4 hours :P

inner flood

here's something funny to light your day.
my house is now a water park!
can you believe that?!
apparently the water pipe in the bathroom burst and the damn maid didn't hear the *whoosh* sound when water is falling on the floor violently...
so i come back from school and i hear my shoe hit the water and i'm like 'what the..?'
and the whole carpet is wet with water. so i go to see what the hell is going on and i'm thinking is this some wierd joke gone bad?
and the hall way,dining room, living room and my room's floor is all wet plus the bathroom floor where this whole fiasco started and the floor is wet and ruined everything that came in it's path
and one of those things were: DVDs, VHSs and more crap that's precious to us.
and there i am thinking could this get any worse? and you know that whenever you say that it turns out that it could, and it is.
the TV, VCR, DVD player and the family computer's wires could be ruined..
but thankfully nothing was damaged except my little brother who fell (LOL!)
other than these things my day was pretty much normal..

Birthday girl!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!
hehe finally i have waited soo long...
now i can't wait for this day to end... how ironic!
anyway i shall be expecting my gifts in the mail. if there is no gift i will accept cash (no less than 5 K.D :P )

what would you do...?

Fate has a way of changing people’s life, whether it was good or bad. You can’t change fate because you don’t know what the future would bring your way.
That’s what she knew. She knew she couldn’t cheat fate to go where she always wanted. So she just went with what happened and moved on. But she always hoped that once she could just get what she always wanted…and that is to be known in the world. For people to know that she’s alive, that she is someone in the world. Not just a name but a whole person. Even though she has enough friends and the best life any one would dream of, it wasn’t enough. She felt isolated and trapped. She felt that she didn’t have enough space to do her thing. Which is to write just one novel and she would never ask for anything else.
If she just got a chance to publish her novel, she would take it in a heart beat, and do it with much enthusiasm and energy. And she didn’t care about where or when or how she had to write it. She just wants to write.
Even though she knew there was a possibility that this might not happen, she kept on writing before going to bed, and prayed that her only dream would come true.
On the day of her high school graduation, a man came to her and asked her a simple question:
“Would you rather follow your dream that might not come true? Or live life the fullest?”
Now of course she didn’t know what to say, because she knew that sometimes your dreams don’t come true, and sometimes you have to make your dream come true with work and time but she knew her answer. So she said:
“I’d choose living my life to the fullest. Because to me, living my life the fullest is to take a chance at a dream that might not come true. But I still believe that even though my future doesn’t include my dream coming true. I’ll still hope and keep on dreaming on that it will come true.”
She said every word with such emotion, and so much hopes that it made the man in front of her smile.
Then the man thanked her and walked out of her life. And she never saw that man again.
After that she couldn’t stop thinking about her answer to that question, because she would never have thought to say that.
She would go to where ever fate brought her. She wouldn’t go against fate to make her dream come true, but after she thought about it she remembered that you decide what to do with your life not fate. There might not even be fate to take you where you have to go.
So after graduation she went to college and finished her novel that she had started years ago and went to a publisher and gave him her novel and waited for an answer to what would happen to her future.
Her dream came true eventually but not at first. But it had come true and she was thrilled to finally have her only dream come true.
Her novel was about her life and what she had to go through for her dream to become a reality.
She dedicated the book to the man from graduation, because he changed her view on life.
She thought she could never get her way with life, and with one simple question she changed.
And her final quote was:
“Would you rather follow your dream that might not come true? Or live life the fullest?”
What would you do?

the computer broke down...

last week as i was about to connect i got caught up in a snag. i couldn't open the friggin' computer which ofcourse made me a little mad (are you sensing the sarcasm?)
but whatever, they got it fixed and here i am telling you how boring these past few days (or probably weeks) has been...
in a nut shell: it's very boring.
well the best thing about it is that i got a laptop.(wahoo!)
i just realized something... i have a very boring life.
thank you and good night!

young mark brown

Mark was a great basketball player, the best actually in his high school basketball team, he was the one who would score the winning point at the end of the game, it actually only happened a couple of times, because they always won the games because of him.
He's the kind of person, that when people see him they'd say "That guy has it all", he has good grades, wonderful family and great friends, or a wonderful life.
Well his life wasn't that wonderful, his mother died when he was 6 years old and it killed him inside because his mother meant so much to him that he even denied that she was even dead until that day, that his father was packing up all her stuff in a box to give to a homeless shelter, that's when it dawned on him that his mother was there no more, and he spent days without talking, eating or even sleeping which made him go very pale. Until one day he made a vow to himself not to blame himself for her death, which he did most of the time, and said that he wouldn't let anyone or anything become so close to him that he wouldn't be attached to that person or thing, because he had thought that whoever got close enough to him would simply leave.
And when he made that vow he became that person that everyone loved but still felt mysterious at the same time.
Of course because of that vow all he thought or concentrated at was basketball, which of course at the same time he loved, because of the competition, but he was starting to dislike it every time he comes back from a game and his father was there waiting for him, to lecture him, to tell him that he wasn't good enough, or he wasn't playing hard, or wasn't giving his all for this sport.
This is because his father used to play but didn't anymore, because of a knee injury he had in college that he couldn't play anymore, which made his father Michael very angry for being so careless about himself, so he dedicated his life to making Mark become the best basketball player there is.
So his father kept to that until one game that his father told him that this game had a record that he had set and told Mark about for a very long time, and at that day his father had told him and keeps telling him all of these things because he wanted him to be the best player he could ever be, but Mark didn't know that, he had thought that he did that just to irritate him, bother him, annoy him which he almost does every time according to Mark.
So when his father told Mark about the record he got confused by the way his father told him about it, his tone of voice, and the way he looked at him made him feel that he wasn't just telling him about it as information, but as a challenge. And his father always said "Never turn you're back on a challenge, or it will haunt you the rest of your life."
But now Mark was getting too confident and he simply thought he could break the record without breaking a sweat. So he said: "Well then I'll just break that record"
"No you won't," his father replied.
"Why's that?"
"Because you're not good enough, because you're not fully focusing, because you're not practicing enough and because you're not working hard enough, that's why"
Mark just stares at him through envious eyes, because he knew all of this, it was one of his daily routines with his father, but now he was getting sick of it and very, very angry at him right now.
"You just wait, I'll break that record, and it will be very high that nobody can break it" he told his fathers as they're eyes were held through every word he said.
“Is that so?”
“You just wait and see” said Mark while heading for the door.
And he went to practice, and saw his old friend, which he didn’t see for a long time. And they began to talk, which lead to Mark asking Adam for a favor. But while all this happened all he could think of how his fathers face would be like when he broke that record. And Mark couldn’t stop grinning at that thought.

So the day of the big game was here and Michael was in the audience waiting for Mark to score the winning point but it never happened, because the game was cancelled, because of Mark who collapsed at the middle of the game and…..died, because of overdose, and all of this happened was because Michael always pushed him too hard, over his limit you might say and his father was so shocked that he couldn't believe that his son had died, and because of drugs at the same time, so he kept denying it until he truly thought that his son Mark, was only gone for the weekend and would be back any day now, until everyone said that he was hopeless and took him to a clinic for the mentally disoriented
(The nut house :P)

And young Mark Brown had become one of the most examples to people who sacrifice their life just to make someone else' expectations happen.

introduction

I have no idea what i'm thinking as I write these words. I'm thinking have i lost my mind as to write what I feel and need and everything to everybody who has a computer.

What else is there left to do... I admit i'm just your typical middle child who just feels there's something missing when she has everything that people would die to have...

don't judge. This wannabe writer has never had any lessons or advice on how to write, cause the people she tells her dream to don't take her seriously (which is typical)

I don't want to keep you waiting but please be a little gentle with me if you don't actually like this. It was just something that came into my head and I just couldn't forget it.